Breaking Inner Vows
Recently, I have been reckoning with the realities of my life now, on the cusp of 24, and what I thought life would be ten years ago as an ambitious yet somewhat naive 14 year old. It is within the last year or so that I have realized that my adolescent self had made a series of inner vows which had guided many of my decisions, thoughts, and attitudes about myself and my worth in the world up until very recently.
I had equated success with accolades, and measured my worth by the weight of my achievements and ‘impact’. I had enjoyed a fairly coddled and formulaic rhythm in life — work hard, get the grades or the part time job, pass the exam, relish the praise. Set, rinse, repeat. But as the traditional successes such as grades and work paled, my formula to things began to return with ‘message error’ and I questioned my place and value in the world and the lives of those around me.
Comparison was the quagmire that swamped my thoughts and I resented myself for the choices I had made in my youth even with the best of my adolescent intentions. Things had not played out in the way that I had expected or hoped. I was and still am surrounded by brilliant individuals, many of whom walk paths that have led them to roads of traditional success, status, and accolades. Whereas, every day I felt the gaping hole of my apparent insufficiency and disappointment widening until it threatened to swallow me hole.
The reality is that in the self-conscious anxiety of my youth, I had made inner vows that warred against any possibility of rejection or perceptions that I was not ‘good enough’. I had made inner vows to always be the best, to never not be chosen, to get the part and consistently play the part of the formidable elder Yoruba daughter with an impeccable academic record, enviable professional prospects, and the picture-perfect life.
I do not desire any less for myself now than I did then in terms of the desire to love and be loved, make meaningful connections and do important and impactful work. But I have had to break those inner vows, and transform my guiding motives. The fear of rejection or not being chosen no longer pioneers my decisions, and I am learning to move through life with a value-driven perspective. What is it that I desire from a specific experience or opportunity? Who is it that I aspire to become? How do I want to make an impact or better yet be impacted? In other words, Why do I care? It is these considerations that have shattered the hollow shell that had once enclosed all the things that I deemed worthy of being held dear. I move forward now with an iron vow to always stay true to myself and my values, and live my life in my own lane and at my own pace.
